inhale, exhale… haaa..
it takes me minutes to start to write. i don wan to write something so cliche that no one wil be moved. not that i wanna move anybody, just wanna express myself better, to be more transparent, n also perhaps to make myself move on.
just came back from dinner wt Andrew. alone in my room wt the radio blasting..so fearful of the silence. it can be so silent sometime i can hear him. then subconciously i will react as tho he is there.
sigh i duno its fate or a joke, the song ‘if i were a boy’ is screaming radio channel. funny how i recall when i was repeating this song like 500 times, i realli tot he would come back to me, realli tot he was the one who don understand me, cos he’s just a boi. but now he realli left. he realli left me. left my world, my dimension.
ok..the song has ended, but im so dwelling in this misery i play mine in my laptop.
30dec - we broke up peacefully, altho there were tears. we know its for the better. altho i know when he said he wanna come over to my place (when we were on the phone) i knew it was for the last goodbye. not to work things out. i knew it was goona hurt much more. but i couldnt say no. deep inside me, i stil hope he would say he wanna work things out. inhale.. exhale..but the evening ended. the answer is stil NO.
31dec- waking up without a tear, i duno y. was looking forward to the night for countdown. made myself something to eat..chatted wt my frens to distract myself fr thinking abt him. abt our past. the night came, i wish so much he was there to countdown wt me. to kiss me on the first second of 2009. to hug me n say ‘happy new year dear’ .. half an hour after midnight.. i sms him, i couldnt hold myself not wishing him. he wasnt in singapore. he said the place he was in made him miss me so much. i smiled when i saw that message. coz i missed him too. even tho i was in a place i havent been wt him, i miss him regardless.
1jan - woke up so late. manage to talk to him for a while in msn. was so happy to c him online, but i said smth so silly that i didnt mean at all, which i deserve 2 tight slap. i was a bitch to him. i didnt even know why i said that. ‘ i’m over u so fast’ which kinda gf or ex gf say this just 2 days after break up. i said sorry. i realli mean it. n the conversation somehow lead to an argument. i was so heartbroken i actually blocked him in msn n cried out loud. this time there were tears!! i blocked him n ran to my bed n cried. cried til i fell asleep.
met S.E that night. we talked n talked n cried. we seems to have different problems but its the same. the things that hurt us. things that make us cry.. upset.. heartbroken..lost..miserable.
went back home, didnt sleep until 5am when my transport came n pick me for work. thank God its just a turnaround flight.
3 jan- he was so sorry he made me upset n angry over wat he said in msn. this is usually wat happen in the past. lets not put the details in n call it a character n expression clash. he said smth i tot he meant another n i get upset. he was so sweet to cal me 7am when he reached home. he didnt wan me to be angry wt him becoz he trully didnt mean wat i perceived. i forgived him becoz of the effort he made. to stil cal me n say ‘ sorry dear, don be angry wt me’ i smiled over the phone n hugged the bolster so tight imagining it was him.
in London now.
i told him that ‘even tho we cant love each other as lovers i wanna love each other as very good frens’ i realli cant bare to lose him in my life. he didnt reply. u can say that i m not in the right mind to say such thing but its possible! we realli can be frens that were lovers. to treat each other wt care n respect n understanding we gained fr e 2 yrs we were together. i think we know ea other better than most of the ppl in our life.
i saw ’something fr someone’ in his fb. 
n that made me wonder. i approached him n he wasnt happy. i questioned him, he answered. but the more i questioned, the more hurt he was. he felt like after all thesse while i stil accuse him. i wasnt. i was in doubt n confusion n was fragile n vulnerable. i just wan to know the truth from him.
‘enough d or not?’ he asked me? enough abt the questioning already? i was heartbroken again!
we exchanged alot of smses after that.
dear, im in roller coaster ride now. 1 moment i think i can find someone better than u. 1 moment everything i see reminds me of u. another moment places that i go remind me of u. things that i c make me recall wat u said. even the silliest n the lamest thing u said to me. how can i move on?
the further im from u. the more i realised how much i liked u. not onli love. i love u with my whole heart. but i also like u with my whole heart.
is there such thing as not meant to be? u said u wanna move on. me too. maybe i wanted to move on too fast. i disappoint myself. i couldnt do it. maybe i overestimated myself then in the end, the truth is slapping me in my face.
from now on, not onli i lose u in my life in singapore, ur gonna haunt me everywhere i go in the world. we went everywhere! inhale..exhalee…
one thing i promise u. thainiversary wil always be ours n ours onli. 
i look forward to seeing u again. i hope by then we wil be more stable.
i love u.
i miss th